Skjønnhet inne Mørket

Homesick

2007-07-16T22:22:00.000-07:00

I feel as though I have packed up my life and put it in a box...
pulling out an old sweater filled with moth holes
it is forced back on.
Itchy and intollerable, I have become a bird with broken wings
caged in and unable to fly. What can I do?
I am a masked fool.
On parade, I take the mask off and yet it is forced back on.
This is not my home, it is a momentary place in time.
I miss my real home.

2007-06-23T12:31:00.000-07:00

if this is beauty
then I'll write you a poem-

a prose-
such eleagant words
soft twists and subtle turns
a beautiful phrase
a lovely song

all for you

2007-05-30T10:38:00.000-07:00

do I like him?

he's perfection in my eyes, and yet unattainable,
things are so different now that I am leaving

I know if I was here just a breath longer, I would.

2007-05-28T09:27:00.000-07:00

I am a dried up hydrangea
a gawky grey bird facing a white swan
like a ballerina with lost shoes
I am a displaced cup of tea
a lengthened cord to which there is no end
like a bee up against a glass wall
I am fish without its scales
an old tattered book loosing its binding
like a crumpled peice of paper
I am awkward, I am displaced

Barcelona

2007-05-13T10:38:00.001-07:00

Amidst the soft green velvet of trees, so prosperous in beauty that you can get lost within its world, I find myself unable to prevent a permanent smile from forming. Barcelona is vibrant. Swirling colors evade the senses… as life is swept through the city streets. Walking along the narrow streets, teeming with smell of human reality, fluttering laundry blows in the cooling wind, I look up from the darkened pathway, so parched from the sun, to find a bright blue sky, one so special, it is as if I cannot even describe. The cobbled stones click against my feet, and I feel myself being led to the warmed sand, outside the cramped walls, where sun glows soft, and the sea greets. But oh, that sea- cobalt intensity so easily willing to forget in its constant sweeping, rocking, drawing out into the infinite horizon of the Mediterranean deep. I smile, as I have before, and close my eyes… never wishing to leave.

hands

2007-03-24T13:38:00.000-07:00

our lives between two worlds
and for a moment
we steal a glimpse of heaven
and keep it in our pockets
to take out and hold
worlds apart and still together
bound by a strand of stars

To whom this may concern:

2007-02-08T00:29:00.000-08:00

Who are you to judge?
It's quite pathetic
Your obsession,
Fake smiles and
False friendship.
No more, you see,
I am withstanding, and
Your two stone hearts
Cannot rule me.
So laugh if you want,
Whisper into eager ears.
I am living my life
Free from your blind
Fascination with those
Who you can't control.
You think you own me,
Knowing my secret thoughts
But I'm just getting started.
Farewell- you know who you are
I'm tired of living in fear
Of loosing face
In front of false friends
Whom I once loved

lovebird

2007-01-17T17:41:00.000-08:00

lovebird
an ironic twist
toxic lips that soothe
pulling in

crumbled walls
reveal eden
the serpent's guise
exposing our betrayal

a pernicious poison
fortune would have it
take over
let it fall

so fall we will
sweet lovebird
our fate sealed before us
now our volition

2007-01-11T00:51:00.000-08:00

Tiny heartbeats nestled inside painted feathers
Soft down surrounding smart little eyes
Waxen beaks cooing familiar tunes
Minature breaths of life
Patiently chirping in soft tiny hands
Waiting to fly

Winter

2006-12-24T12:08:00.000-08:00

Light passes through the frosted pane
A dulled glow is all that keeps me warm
No thought to spring, no thoughts at all
Complacent peace numbs a lonely heart
Flittered ice, swirls, dancing round
Alone, left solving winter's sphinx

Nathan. Thomas. Ruben. Daniel

2006-12-24T11:40:00.000-08:00

She looks.
Philosophy on her mind.
She smiles.
Her fingers fold neatly in her lap.
She speaks.
Nathan.
She speaks.
Thomas.
She speaks.
Ruben.
She speaks.
Daniel.
She speaks, She speaks, She speaks.
He hates me, He likes me, He's not like that.
Everything that pours from her mouth is
Nathan. Thomas. Ruben. Daniel.
She doesn't know of anything other than
Nathan. Thomas. Ruben. Daniel.
With broken words she tries to voice
Beauty. Truth. Wisdom. Love. Laughter. Life.
Yet the words she finds are
Nathan. Thomas. Ruben. Daniel.

a kiss

2006-12-21T02:25:00.000-08:00

Is it ok to say no to a kiss when you are sick?

2006-12-10T18:37:00.001-08:00

internet boyfriends

cute

but weird

Reflections

2006-12-05T03:45:00.000-08:00

I fell in love and I tried to hide from it. I pretended it wasn't there; I hurt him, and in turn, when I sought him, he hurt me. He made out with my roommate.

I fell in love but he was gone, and when he came back the one I knew was so different from the man he was. We were mediocre, He is still my close friend.

I fell in love only to find that he was drunk and only wanted me for the physical release that sexual tension builds up. I still see him around.

I fell in love two years ago, he became my best friend, we dated, he abused me, hurt me, and made me feel worthless. I lost my best friend. He is engaged.

I fell in love with a guy I just met, he kissed me. He was in love, I was gone for a weekend. He made out with my friend's French roommate, and ignores my calls.

I fell in love with a man who makes me laugh, who comforts me, who listens. He is the best thing that has happened to me. We should have dated. He is no longer single, nor is he my best friend.

I fell in love with an actor, a theatre guy who flirts, and takes action. He loves me more than I love him. I am leaving for England and won't see him for 6 months.

I fell in love with God, only to turn away, give up, because the pain and frustration hurt too much. I believe, but do not devote. I am what they call luke-warm. I try to change, but don't.

...

maybe I should become a lesbian

2006-11-20T23:12:00.000-08:00

I called you today
you hung up
disconnected your phone
moved to Africa
to cut me out

no longer a part of you
no longer your friend
no longer your love
just a person
no one special

just inhabiting the same earth as you

2006-11-11T11:55:00.000-08:00

England should be a great escape.

I can't stay here, home, where betrayal, backstabbing, and witch trials are a daily form of life. This life is tainted, the serpant sits, waiting, coiled in his own misery. His silent confessions instill fear and and awe... but I can't sit here, as the snake slides toward me I panic. The last thing I want is to become a part of the venomnous branches that tangle and snare, spreading, contaminating all that I touch. This creature is a curse, he will not stop, he will take pleasure in sweeping the country destroying everything is poision can reach. No, the only escape is the sea.

Perhaps there I will meet a new disasterous monster, but until then, the dream of the sea, the desire for freedom, and the love of sanity, keep me clinging to my vaccation from the snake who resides, posed, coiled and ready to strike, in the small community of Whitworth.

A Thought

2006-11-03T15:47:00.000-08:00

"For Love walks not upon the earth, nor yet upon skulls of men, which are not so very soft, but in the hearts and souls of both god, and men, which are of all things the softest: in them he walks and dwells and makes his home. Not in every soul without exception, for Where there is hardness he departs, where there is softness there he dwells; and nestling always with his feet and in all manner of ways in the softest of soft places, how can he be other than the softest of all things? Of a truth he is the tenderest as well as the youngest, and also he is of flexile form; for if he were hard and without flexure he could not enfold all things, or wind his way into and out of every soul of man undiscovered."

Plato's Symposium

the sky falls

2006-10-18T00:41:00.000-07:00

The sky is falling

Tumbling

Trickling

Dripping down

Droplets of heartbroken clouds

Killed emotions

Melting

Suffocated to death

Hot Tea

2006-10-09T00:58:00.001-07:00

my body's telling me wake up
nose plugged
half starved,
I live on hot tea.

my heart is warming up
I wear a black string to remind me
it won't come off
until i am wantless

to want
my body craves, aches and yearns
my mind jumps, races, questions
my heart beats, pulsing, constant

hot tea
perhaps it is the warmth
perhaps the flavor
perhaps it is the faded thoughts
a slight rememberance of what has past

it is not what I crave
it is what i choose
hot tea
a warm memory

he brought me tea

2006-09-28T21:29:00.000-07:00

a bag of bits of mango
an elf with no face,
a crumpled piece of paper reminding me that I have a place
a mischevious clown,
a happy one too...
a tile to remind me
and a chick with her feathers dyed blue.

my desk is cluttered, and i wonder how I've come to this
sitting here waiting, hidden from campus.

I live in my world
and i love it too...

a clutter of memories
each dyed a different hue

life is different than it was before,
so i sit here and wait,
wanting nothing more.

2006-09-28T14:59:00.000-07:00

tick tock

the clock spins, as I lie on the floor

a tiny rythym in suspended time
strange

our lives packaged by this tiny beat

tick tock

sometimes so rushed I don't think to breathe

tick.

breathing seems a waste of time
using up this precious space

tock.

dwarfed by the countless minutes this world has seen, my breath, seems to keep the rhythm.

tick tock tick

2006-09-25T16:45:00.000-07:00

I am an actress.
confined by my walls on a stage.

He was a philosopher
an open world for his mind to behold.

I tried, he didn't.
I talked, he thought.
I pretended, he forgot.

for even gods cannot love and remain wise

Lies. False lives that we live to stay happy.

I was a coward.
Passive

He was noble.
Silent

Mediocrity. Lives with passions stilled.

We created this monster.

Afraid, searching, strained, silenced, not moving, but sitting.
Waiting

I confined to my walls, I wish to scream, acting out silently the fate that falls before me. I am a puppet; I have lost courage, I am afraid to break that fourth wall, which frees me to be. I am defined by my stage, my script, my directions.

Of silence and unfulfilled hope of love.

of my love

How Sweet and Strange...

2006-09-18T21:58:00.000-07:00

I find it perplexing that in the past year I have managed to find the love of my life, only to have it turn sour. I don't know if I am ready to date someone that isn't him, and yet I am ok not dating him.

This last relationship held more meaning in my life than any other. It was good, it was pure, and it ended because it wasn't to the best it could be in some ways. It was as though I was living in a dream world, waking up beside my love, and falling asleep in his arms.

Of course, we never talked. Still we hardly do talk which hurts, and stings an old wound. I don't like loosing those I love.

He and I are not meant to be, so be it. I live by moments, and I miss him.

Don't think that I am pathetic, I know we can't date, and I don't want to anymore, but I miss him. I miss seeing his face on a constant basis or talking to him once a day. He became the closest friend I had. I have lost that 'closeness' and I miss it dearly.

Listening

2006-05-31T10:47:00.000-07:00

I find it strange how discontented everything is under the surface.

One can be calm and collectedon the outside, only to be suffering incredibly on the inside. I want to help, God, I yearn to listen to them. I want to be the helper, I want to be this open ear where people know they can tell me anything, I WANT to be that shoulder.

And the sucky part is that I am not going to be here this summer - only Saturdays.

I wish he would talk to me. Sometimes I honestly think he's happy, but then I see it. Little glimpses, flittering black winged moments carrying burdens he won't speak of. I wish we could talk in the way we used to, long nights sipping tea and telling secrets. He has grown silent, and it makes me uncomfortable. I just want him to be. Sometimes I think he tries to hard just to fit the image painted of him in my mind. He doesn't need to. He's more restless than ever, and I fear that he may be growing empty. Then again what do I know? I only catch the echoes of his problems.

talk for heaven's sake just talk

Secrets

2006-05-18T12:01:00.000-07:00

So much to worry about, and yet I don't. I feel extremely numb to it all... And I am happy, at least I have that. I have him back, near me, holding my hand, but why do I fear the secrets he holds in his life. He came back, and he's trying. I love him. And for those reasons I am going to have to keep on trusting. It's always funny to be told by the one you love that their trip was for an undeterminded amount of time, and that they had no intention of comming back at all. It makes me think.

I do not doubt his return, in fact, I feel honored that he came back to be near his family and me. There is just so much he has not said but vaguely alluded to. He has changed; I have no idea what happened over the past seven months to make him do so, but he has.

I love him, and I am not afraid of what many would normally be afraid of, I just want him to be more open. But no mind is an open book. I am content, and that is all that matters. I AM WHERE I WANT TO BE.

2006-05-10T22:29:00.000-07:00

HE'S BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that's all I have to say

OH Boy

2006-04-16T15:03:00.002-07:00

Maybe I'll never die

I'll just keep growing younger with you

And you'll grow younger too

Now it seems too lovely to be true

But the best things always do

Let's pretend we don't exist

Let's pretend we're in Antartica

"WRAITH PINNED TO THE MIST (AND OTHER GAMES)"*
of Montreal

phone calls

2006-04-13T22:55:00.000-07:00

It's strange- I had the most unusual phone call today, I think it may have been one of the best things to have happen to me, and one of the hardest I've had to deal with all year. I realize that I do miss him, for all that has transpired this year, I do care about him, and yet, I am scared. I don't know what I think. Many say I should just forget him. Tell him to "fuck off" so I can move on... How strange, the man I have been holding onto all year, and yet I am afraid of what will happen when I see him. Hearing his voice made me miss him so much, which was hard, I am afraid of getting hurt again by him, but I want to be near him constantly. I love him.

Oh men

2006-04-11T20:44:00.000-07:00

My demands for the perfect man:

green eyes
like music (know bands and artists, like to dance, possibly make his own...)
MUST be a Christian
want to travel
like the ocean
goofy with little kids or well with them
like poetry and books...
be crazy and willing to make a fool of himself
have the ability to calm me down after a panic attack
love God more than me
and still, love me

royally screwing up

2006-04-10T23:23:00.000-07:00

I feel like such a bad person..... but I don't know what else to think..... I wrote this last thursday, after visiting a mocktail..... and in leaving in tears this was my revelation:

April 6, 2006
So here is the deal, I told myself I would not cry tonight, I tried not to, but I did after leaving. I have to be strong.
This year I met a really great guy, a man of God, and an amazing, vibrant, and wise friend. Someone I care about so much, and royally screwed up my chances with. Live without regret… I wish I could. The one regret I have is in him. We have been close friends, and all along, I knew he wanted to date me, but I was scared. And not ready, in my personal life, and in my faith. There were so many times that I wanted to try, but I knew that if I did, I would mess him up. He is perfect. And all I want is a chance with him again.
I know I hurt him really bad, which still hurts me. And I could not keep from crying. As soon as I left the room, tears began to fall. Why did I go? Why did I go? I really wanted to see him. I wish I had not messed up, I wish I hadn’t hurt him, I wish I had, yes, I wish I could speak what I want when I want. But as soon as I saw him, I couldn’t say anything. I messed up, and lost.

2006-04-09T11:32:00.000-07:00

Oh the simple joys.... I love getting emails.... 18 days

2006-04-06T12:06:00.000-07:00

I hate being sick.... it's one of those things where you know every person gets sick, but you don't know why it has to happen to you right that second.... that's how I am. Anyway, I have a tendancy to get sick right after I say that I won't.

Other than that, life is good. I suppose....

HA HA! I have to put a picture up.... it's the first person I have drawn with a face in a long time....

Her name is Analise, and she is a gift for a dear friend, who is currently keeping another, drawing, Ethnie, safe on her adventures around the world.

Poor Analise was mailed out to sea, but was returned due to the poorly written address on my part..... *he he*

Even When All Hope Is Gone Move Along

2006-04-03T22:01:00.000-07:00

Isn't it amazing how skewed our perspectives can get? Do we forget the world around us? Or does it forget us? I wonder...

The world is a continuous wave of life. Many of us want to stop, stand still and relax in the world we feel the most safe. It almost never seems to work out that way though does it? We want everything to go our way. But mother earth hates to be told what to do, and thus, we are reduced to living in a world of chaos.

I found out recently that I am not invincible. Something I found to be a false reality in high school. My body, on the other hand diagrees. I have been reduced to a crumpled ball of matter. Funny, I would think that I was more strong that what meets the eye... but alas, we all have our achille's heel... mine just happens to be in the form of stress. I don't think that I am stressed, but my body tells me otherwise. Perhaps my mind is playing tricks on me. It would like me to think I am not stressed so it dumps the stress load onto my body. I have panic attacks often, and I sleep even more often.

What's worse, is that I will be developing an autoimmune disease soon. As if stress and anxiety weren't enough. My heart aches for comfort. All I want is to be free to be me.

So I must keep my thoughts on things like school Chester, traveling through West Bengal, or spending valuble time in discussions on life's philosophies with a dear, but distant young man. I must think of being happy, for that is all that keeps me going.

Yesterday I searched classes offered for fall of this next year. The thought of taking a class called European Myths and Identity from my favorite professor, keeps me looking ahead. It keeps me going.

"When everything is wrong, we move along"

A lesson in thought, by Anna and Taylor

2006-03-29T00:04:00.000-08:00

last Friday I spent an interesting evening in the presence of a long-time friend, Taylor. Unfortunately, I discovered that we were co-existing in the same space as his brother. Now you must understand, Taylor's brother and I were close friends, he was my fashion consultant when it came to homecomming dresses, my accomplice in crime (ie: driving him before I was allowed to by law), and my partner in adventures involving a camel farm; needless to say we were two peas in a pod. Being younger than me, I saw him as my best friend, and little brother. Anyway. He liked me and we lost touch last June. I recently found out that he made a concious choice to not talk to any girls that he really liked at one point on the phone, and he would try not to even hang out with them. I was one of those girls. Oddly enough, this space has given Taylor and I a chance to grow.

these are the thoughts I have on life, as of last friday:

Friendships are only what you make of them.
Always tell a person what you feel, no matter how bad it may get.
You can always rely on Taylor for laughs.
I have small small feet.
One cannot call themselves a friend if they are not willing to be there.
Kyle is a poo poo head who fell head first into a pile of manure and came out with a rat squirming in its mouth. (aka it's good to vent in ways that will cheer you up ie: doodling what you want to have happen)
Waiting is not the problem it's the solution.
Love is a good thing

The last thing I learned is to laugh...... ha ha ha and remember that you are loved by so many, so smile! Thanks Dave for taking pictures of my while I laborously studied for Core.

A quick holiday to escape vacation

2006-03-26T15:20:00.000-08:00

Spring Break has come and gone. College students across a nation join together in unforgettable places doing amazing things during their break, and here I am sitting in my parent's living room listening to Brahms, and reading "Their Eyes Were Watching God". After long play rehearsals for Beauty and the Beast, and finding Ben and myself to be the only two people to see The Libertine at a 10:05 showing, I decided it was time I took my own little holiday away from home.

So off I drove to Richland, to visit my dear Noree, and have a little vacation of my own.

It was breath taking and beautiful, and God and I had our own little conversation on the 2 hour drive down there. I kept commenting on the amazing mastership of his beautiful cotton ball like clouds and the rich color of bright blue he had chosen for the sky's hue. I was stunned, breathtaking beauty in the eyes of a girl who has never really noticed before. After my arrival in Richland, Noree and I took a two hour walk touring the nice homes of suburbia, and a majestic Mormon temple. I was absolutely stunned. After a quick stop at Starbucks we walked the long walk to her parent's house. We knitted, we had pancakes, we watched airplane, and hung out with new friends.

All in all it was wonderful.

I think the best memory was coming back home though. The Tri-Cities are so flat, and expanding I felt I could look all the way to the ends of the earth. My home is surrounded by mountains, and nestled sweetly in a valley. I will never forget how majestic the mountains looked, snow-capped, kissed with soft clouds, or the way the tall pines, a familiar image in my childhood, framed the city in a welcoming way. Happiness to be home.

silly me

2006-03-22T12:54:00.000-08:00

It's funny how everything can seem so terrible, and then you get one little affirmation of hope, and everything is solved..... ha ha

confusing paths

2006-03-22T08:09:00.000-08:00

Life is so confusing right now, I don't know what to do, I don't know what is going on, and I am tired of asking for directions.

Ha Ha

I guess it's just one of those days where nothing and yet everything feels the same. The "bad" things that have happened in the past month have just led to a disbelief, or surreal sense of reality. I am amazed I've made it this far without totally breaking down, but maybe this is God's way of smacking me in the face and telling me to do something for Him instead of myself or the others around me.

It is just that I've been placing so much hope in things, only to have them shatter in front of me. I feel hurt, and I don't think voicing it helps soothe anything. All I seem to be able to do is keep hoping that the shattered pieces reform, and that I have my hopes once again. I want them back Damnit! I want them back....

What's not to love about Chester?

2006-03-13T12:59:00.000-08:00

So here it goes.... I am unofficially going to the University of Chester, England, January 2007-May 2007. Exciting? I know. It is an historical city that dates back to the Roman reign over Britain. Since I am pursuing a degree in medieval history, and the Roman control over Britain,
I think that the city of Chester, is perfect in accomplishing that goal. Hopefully my college's board of trustees alows international budgeting to go through, so that I am able to explore Britain's history in Britain. Anyway. I am excited you should be too.

K SO LIFE IS OKAY! I SWEAR!

2006-03-10T15:39:00.000-08:00

So laughter is the medicine that heals all wounds. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

Life can't get much worse- right?

I fell in love, lost it, and yet I still love him. I go to a school that is unsatisfying and lonely, and yet I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

After all the hard times I have found that I still have joy. I am not happy but I am joyful. There is a big difference. My losses of loved ones have killed me, and yet the gain of them back keeps me alive.

I cannot thank my friends enough for what they do. Honestly I have more big brothers adopted into my life than ever before. Ironic, I feel alone, and yet I have a whole dorm floor of guys looking out for me, and I love them for it. Especially Mike. He has been a Godsend in my times of major trouble.

Keep me in mind if you read this, and hold me up in your prayers, I need them more than ever. Especially healing. My anxiety has worsened by about 300% I usually only have about 1-3 panic attacks a year and in the month of February alone, I had 9. Keep me in your thoughts as I do you.

With Love,
Anna

mmm a 4:00 AM Shari's run...... honestly I like the picture

2006-03-08T23:15:00.000-08:00

Realizations

2006-03-02T15:04:00.000-08:00

So here we are in the lovely month of March. A month away from April, and eight months away from October. Life in Spokane is ironically never dull, as strange as that may seem... As frusterating as it can be sometimes, I have come to realize the error of my ways.

I am too idealistic when it comes to my faith in others.
I push for change, instead of letting things simmer I want to resolve the conflict now.
I place my friends in a value above my school work and my own well being
I need to be around others in order to feel safe, even if those others are not good for me
I open my heart up too much in love

Perhaps these aren't terrible things, but in a world where your only friends are yourself, and your accomplishments, idealism, love and loyalty can kill you in the end.

If you couldn't tell, I'm a little upset about the last month and a half.

I have high anxiety which in turn produces panic attacks. Normally I'll get 2 to 5 a year but in the month of February alone I had a total of 9 panic attacks. Something about that is not right.

Dance Inside, by All American Rejects

2006-02-24T13:20:00.000-08:00

You don't have to move, you don't have to speak
lips for biting.
You're staring me down, a glance makes me weak
eyes for striking
Now I'm twisting up when I'm twisted with you
brush so lightly
and time trickles down, and I'm breathing for two
squeeze so tightly.

I'll be fine, you'll be fine.
this moment seems so long
Don't waste now, precious time
we'll dance inside the song

What makes the one to shake you down?
Each touch belongs to each new sound
Say now you want to shake me too
Move down to me, slip into you

She sinks in my mind as she sheds through her skin
touch sight tastes like fire
hands do now what eyes no longer defend
hands to fuel desire

I'll be fine, you'll be fine
this moment seems so long
Don't waste now, precious time
we'll dance inside the song

And I'll be fine, you'll be fine
Is this fine? I'm not fine
Give me pieces, give me things to stay awake (stay awake)

Move down to me, slip into you

Goodbye Best Friend

2006-02-15T13:11:00.000-08:00

This is one of my favorite pictures. My mom took it while we were camping over the summer on the Pend Orielle River. I look like a frump, and Ben looks confident as usual. Every time I look at that picture I remember the fun goofy times we had as friends. He has been my best friend for about 2 and a 1/2 years. He has been a flirt, a good shoulder to cry on, my worst enemy, my closest companion, and my first kiss, my first TRUE LOVE, and now my ex, yet still my best friend. He was everything to me when we dated. We had many ups and downs, some of which I should have left him for. Now, 5 months after we broke up, he has a new girlfriend, and the title of best friend which I have had the privledge of having, is being ripped from me.

I don't know what I have done. Perhaps it is the fact that I am just me. I am NOT PERFECT by any means. And the mistakes I have made are mine. I let things fall appart and not one person can say I didn't. So goodbye my best friend, may you and Mara have the best of luck. She is amazing, and you are lucky to have her.

The Ice Queen Speaks

2006-02-14T01:21:00.000-08:00

I wish this Valentine's day would be happy
I wish that I wouldn't worry about what will be said with the one I love
I wish I wouldn't worry about the outcome
I wish I had him near to wrap my arms around him
I wish I knew that he loved me too

love is.

2006-02-03T16:24:00.000-08:00

love....

an interesting concept in human thought.

in some cultures it is not even recognized, let alone spoken of. the native language of Botswana, for instance, does not even have a word to for love.

yet, as humans on a whole, a lot is based on this emotion. Shakespeare wrote whole comedies based on the folly and value of love in human society.

phrases such as "better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" sprinkle into thoughts about "true love".

yet I feel as though in constant motion the cycle of love and heartbreak will never cease to exist.
perhaps it is a fools game to be in love.

"amare et sapere vix deo conceditur"

even a god finds it hard to love and be wise at the same time!

with that said, is it better to love and be a fool, or can we, through wisdom, rise above the romantic ideals of love?

it sounds a bit depressing to me. is love a fallacy? an idiotic false truth that we have come to trust so dearly?

when heart break happens, is it your true love that you have lost? or were they just not the "right one" for you? what if they were and you botched it? are you destined to a much less happier life? or is the concept of "the one" a myth?

perhaps what we believe is true is really a heightened sense of emmotion, and an intensified sense of heartbreak when it's all over?

how do you know? is it possible to be in love with more than one person?

most say no, and I say yes

love is a very connective thing. I love my friends as siblings, as friends, I spiritually love them, and for many I have loved them in the romantic companionship sense. I don't think that I can love a person one way and not love them another. I think that was the way we were created. our society has twisted our definition of love.

love, according to society is a feeling, an emmotion, something you can feel and then loose. NOT TRUE! love is a complete decision. it is more than something you feel, it is something you do. to say you genuinely love a person, you care for them no matter what.

Christ says to love all people. even our enemies.

I tend to think that as humans we are all connected to each other, and we all should care for each other and lift each other up.

community. humanity. life.

So in that sense of community, why are people afraid to care? yes we all have been hurt by another, some have the luck of brushing it off, but we still all hurt and we still all feel hurt.

the difference is that society has taken the stance that love hurts, and the best way to get over that hurt is to move on by clearing your mind from another person. by saying "you're out of my life", or running away to another place so as not to confront it. what we forget is that we are still connected and that love evolves, and changes.

only a person can hate what he truely loves, other wise he just dislikes it. hatred is a passionate emmotion, and a choice, in the same way love is. love is spurred by genuinely caring for another, hatred is spurred by the hurt or pain caused by another, namely one you love or one who loves you. it can also be caused by envy or by jealousy, or by suppression of your love for them.

in the past few days I have really discovered what it feels like to love and hate a person at the same time. I hurt, therefore, I hate.

because I hate him, does that mean I don't love him? no, does that mean I will never see him, no, it just means that I feel so passionatly the hurt of love, and now I hate him for what he has done to me. I hate that I check my emails countless times a day to see if he's sent word. I hate that I cry when I think that he won't be comming back anytime soon, I hate that I want to wait for him, I hate that he can melt the iced capsule of my heart with a single word. I hate how he would look at me with these eyes that searched me, I hate that he has loved and been hurt, I hate that he hates the afternoon.

yet all those things above I love. I love his lyrical style of communication, I love that he loves Jessica Alba and Adriana Lima, I love that he wears tassles on his pants, I love that he can pass for a terrorist in an airport.

I love I love I love and I hate I hate I hate.

I never realized how interconnected love and hate is, they overlap, there is NO FINE LINE. there never was. only the paradox of emmotions and choices.

I love him, I hate him, I want him here, I want him out of my life. time and space don't do anything, I hadn't heard from him in two months. I thought I had moved on. yet when the letter came there I was back at the beginning, my heart was ripped again.

love hurts, love heals, love kills, love brings life, love is all and is nothing.

love is.

Dance club terror, and other tell tales of recent days

2006-02-01T21:42:00.000-08:00

what wonderfully interesting days i have seen in the past two weeks!
A trip to Seattle, a frightful clubbing experience, a letter from a fading love, and a birthday celebration that I could not have foreseen.

Seattle:
so my Jan Term class, Modern Drama decided to get a little exicting by sending it's students to seattle for a weekend on our own money to see the last of August Wilson's plays, Radio Golf, which was wonderful (not a surprise). After a short, four hour drive over to seattle, we found ourselves lost on Capitol hill, and then later downtown.... I never having driven in seattle before, was unaware of the Seattle Repertory Theatre's location, and after winding our way to downtown seattle, we found it. Janelle, Emily, Allie and I made a quick escorted stop at Seattle Pacific University to visit Allie's friends. In our bordeom, Janelle, Emily, and I went out and sat in the car to wait for Allie, eager to make it back downtown to experience "city life".
While waiting for what seemed to be fifteen minutes, we realized that we had to get dressed for the play that night. Now, for a girl, getting dressed in a car didn't seem entirely all that bad, until I realized that I couldn't get my sweats off in the small cramped cockpit of the driver's seat. So I quickly jumped out and made pulled my pants off in the middle of the street (don't worry, my dress was already on, no profanity).

By the time allie got back it was 4:00, barely enough time for us to make it to the seattle center, park, walk 12 blocks south to the downtown area, turn around and walk 12 blocks north, catch some dinner at a thai place, and pizza place (we have different tastes in food), then race to the Theatre with a loaded bladder just looking for a place to pee. Never the less the evening had started off with quite an adventure. In closing for the evening, we went to the cheesecake factory, flirted with a gay waiter, had amazing desserts, and salads to feed an army, and then back in the car and home to Spokane.

The Dance Club:
just a quick story: I was comming back to my room after watching the lovely Ginger preform on stage, live and in person, when I came acrossa bunch of girls that wanted to go dancing at Crazy 8's, a run down club that gives the exuse for people to have sex in public.... intrigued at how a group of girls from my "Convent" of a dorm, I went along with, thankfully it was lady's night so i didn't have to pay to get hit on by these sleezy guys with their greasy hair and alcohol tinted breath. Once inside, the primal ritual of mate seeking began.... I found myself dancing to the beat of the R&B music I never cared for in the first place. Keeping within arm's reach of Alisha, the beauty who lives just down the hall, I found myself recognizing all sorts of people I knew, the lovely Sebastian, a french exchange student from an island off the coast of Madegascar, singing along to the american pop culture music, Stephanie, a close friend from high school, who fits the clubbing scene well, and Ryan Simpson, a dwarfish kid I was in middle school with and fed skittles to everyday in history class.
As I stepped out to get a hold of myself and the "dirtiness" I was feeling all around me, Alisha and I were approached by a drunk man looking for his tall white friend with a tattoo. After refusing to dance with him for an half an hour, he finally grabbed alisha's hand and took her out on the dance floor, his friend followed me, promising to not come closer to me than four bibles would allow. Unfortunately for Alisha, the other guy was teaching her how to "bump and grind". Making a narrow escape with a claim that I needed to pee and Alisha was thirsty, we dashed into the bathroom, dying of laughter.
Leaving the club minutes later, we saw the guy sitting pitifully on a stool against a wall with a bottle of water meant for Alisha, passed him, and went back home to the convent.

A Birthday Serenade:

Ben, the best friend, ex-boyfriend, bought me a ticket to the Fray concert with Mat Kearny, an amazing accoustic rapper.

The night was wonderful, and things couldn't have gotten better until we found out that Ben's love of his life, Mat Kearny was signing autographs outside, so we booked it and I got my ticket signed and a picture of him and Ben, then, to make the evening even better, we found out the Fray was signing autographs as well, and we somehow ended up in the front of the line, so my ticket was signed again, only this time as a birthday message.... somehow, this moment of being starstruck, put me in such a "high" that I couldn't fall asleep until around three.

The Letter:
The last and final event in my little (now long) post is that of a letter. Over the past four months, I have been entangled in the snares of a sailor's words, I was hit hard with the mallet of cupid. Through the duration of December I had slowly come to realize that hoping for the love of this man was never going to happen. I would go back and forth every day to the mail center checking my mailbox twice a day, to see if he had written. It became a daily ritual; an infectious disease, one that I couldn't cure. Not only was I longing to hear from him, I was writing to him via email, everyday, sending the letter only once in a while, but keeping the rest between me and the trash bin. I began to wonder why I was keeping up this hope. Not only was he gone, but he'd remain gone, I would never see him, and he wouldn't be back until October of 2006. My life seemed like I was wasting it, and in every letter and email I recived there was a hint that I should let go and move on, but at the same time, I felt drawn in closer by his sweet, contemplative words. Time wore on and I slowly wanted to give up. Release the hold he had me fixed in, and change the locks on my heart. I was hurt, confused and unwilling to forget. Yet slowly he was fading. Until I got a letter from him while he was in mexico. I hadn't heard from him in two months, and suddenly he was present again. It nearly killed me to read it, yet I did, countless times over the next few days. The man that was supposed to be out of my life, had placed himself right back in, and strengthened his hold on me. two weeks later he calls, from the void of the world, I am in class, and I couldn't answer. His voice in the message sent a pulse of liquid joy through my veins. I was once again transfixed by him, estatic and in love. I don't know what it is about that hold he has on me, all I know is that I am struggling to keep myself from going deeper. He won't be back until April, where he will be for a few days before heading down south to work, then he won't be back until October..... nine months away. I am dying. I hurt, and all I will hear from him is that I shouldn't think about him, until we see each other again.... TIME WILL TELL.

if time will tell then why does he have a hold on me? Why has time passed and told me nothing? I am in time currently right now, apparently wasting my life away on him, and yet I can't forget, and I don't want to.

2006-01-18T00:42:00.000-08:00

The love-song of Tristram and Iseult by Cyril Emra

Ah joy beyond the world's desire!
What burning dream was this?
Their breathless souls drew in like fire
All heaven in a kiss!

Fish Face

2006-01-03T23:55:00.000-08:00

Funny story about the fish face~

So I was sitting in John's dorm (if you wanted to know John is a very very dear friend to me), when my darling Noree Johnson came through to see her best friend Ben, who is roomies with John..... so I'm doing my homework, minding my own buisness making silly faces at Grady, who's sitting across the hall from me..... as I sucked in my cheeks to make a fishy face- Noree kissed me. I was in a state of giggles, Grady was in shock, and Ree was making a laugh so evil you could mistake it for a comical wicked witch!

now, whenever I see the dear little witch, and we're both in the right mood, I make a fish face, and she kisses me for it!

End of story

New Years Resolutions

2006-01-01T00:11:00.000-08:00

Happy New Years!!! I guess..... ugh! I don't know anymore..... I miss him, and this is probably the worst night for me to be alone..... I can't bear it anymore.....

Resolutions:

No more serious dating - just fun dates that don't mean much.
Hold out until April....
Forgive
Do what I want.... no more waiting!
Look at other colleges and hold out until the end of school.
Try and forget him....

Cinderella

2005-12-30T23:42:00.000-08:00

I have always wondered why she ran....

was she ashamed of her poverty?
If so, then he was not her real love
did she feel guilty for pretending?
if so, then she did not trust him
or was it a fear of being hurt?
if so, she should have stayed

I personally think that she, like me, ran to protect her heart. Things were to risky where love was concerned, although she was able to stick it out at home, leaving her heart completely unguarded was something she feared doing....

Then why did she come back?
it felt right..... she tried to face her fears, and yet she still guarded herself

Like Cinderella, I fear getting hurt, it takes time for me to trust in something good, and though, she wasn't ready at first, she was waiting for him to realize her for who she was and sweep her off her feet.

Where's my knight?
I think that I have a problem of guarding myself a little to closely to the point where people don't know what i am thinking.... until it's too late....

I have been hurt too many times, and I am so scared of being hurt again.

If Prince Charming hadn't choosen Cinderella where would she be? What would she do?

I wish timing was on my side, I wish I hadn't taken so long.... I wish he hadn't given up and left....

Perhaps this Cinderella has learned her lesson.... and then maybe she just sucks at timing....

Tears from a former lover

2005-12-28T16:16:00.000-08:00

original poem by me

the autumn glow of stained glass leaves
spreads muted light across the ground
trails of tears make off like theives
torment sorrow without a sound

winter's fingers tremble coldly
icy lips that darkly glitter
ne'r again, would cross so boldly
a breached girl, alone and bitter

sleep child, sleep for soon comes dying
rest a bit in sheltered gloom
icy darkness filled with crying
fathomless, lost in chilling doom

wishing not to see the comer
known as perpetual hearbreak
i look beyond into summer
sweet sails of joy I won't mistake

My life.... according to me

2005-12-27T13:48:00.000-08:00

If you haven't guessed, this is me..... trying to figure out how my camera works..... but yes, me none the less. Now lets see..... random facts:

I was born in California (I won't tell you where I am now....), but not in the normal Cali of thought, but northern California, the quieter, more scenic side.
I cannot stand closeminded people, or complete "right winged" or "left winged" opinions. I'm not closed minded, I just think that they are..... no party is right or wrong....
I am a Christian, I grew up in the Lutheran Church (ELCA), and I attended a private Christian school from 6th grade through High School. Personally I believe that faith is crucial to life. Religion is the exploration of the unknown..... and the giver of great peace, if you're willing to find it.
I am majoring in theatre and history and I'm planning on staying an extra year to obtain my masters in teaching. The goal: something to do with theatre and/or history, most likely a high school teaching position.
I have always wanted to live within a walk from the ocean. I don't care which one, just nearby the ocean.

So there you have it the five facts of the day!